Living the moment and not wanting more... how very difficult.

I'm reading EM Forster's 'Maurice' at the moment and have just read a line which so reminds me of a quote by Clarissa Vaughan in Michael Cunningham's 'The Hours'.

Clive and Maurice arrive back at Cambridge after spending a day in the Fens and the authors says:

"When they parted it was in the ordinary way: neither had an impluse to say anything special. The whole day had been ordinary. Yet it had never come before to either of them, nor was it to be repeated"

Clarissa talking about happiness says:

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."

I am only just beginning to realise how true these statements are and how very often I let the moment pass me by because I want more...

After holiday blues

So the money has come to an end and the holiday has had to come to an end too. I was going to write so much as so much has gone through my head during the long hours on the road but now nothing is left except this feeling of loneliness. Nothing new there! Everyone says I am good at making friends but this is not the case, I am shy, withdrawn and the older I get, more grouchy!

Today is August 18th and I have just realised that it is the anniversary of the death of my father - 1978, I was 24 - 36 years ago. It seems like yesterday. All of this has lead me to having a look at family on the net! The problem of dying young is that the little ones don't get to know their grand parents. Were you to ask William (my father's name!) who his paternal grandfather was, I don't think he would even know!

Charles McIlgrew m Elizabeth                                          
                               !
10 children: Ernest, May, Leonard, William Francis m Eileen Beryl Gilligan, Elizabeth
                                                                                   !
Simon Charles McIlgrew m Lynn Dickenson and Karen Elizabeth McIlgrew m Martin J. Fotheringham
                                          !                                                                                !
William Thomas McIlgrew (Culbert) m Katrina Walker
                                                            Emelie Victoria Culbert (30-08-2012)

Not really well done but a little about his paternal side.

So where am I? In Budapest. I love this place. I don't do much but I just love hanging out here. The baths, just going around and meeting friends. Although I am getting on and finding new friends is not easy. I have friends and they are great and I love doing things with them but it would be great to meet new people, talk about new things.

Anyway I arrived here last Saturday after spending a great week with my sister in Austria. It passed to quickly. Perhaps because it wasn't really a week! Nevertheless it was great to spend some time with her.

On arriving here I got in touch with Istvan and we have done some great things: bike riding and discovering the city and lunching and going to the cinema together - it has been great.

My goal was to wind down after an exhausting year and that seems to be happening. OK, I'm not getting up at 7 in the morning and going out, but I decided to go to the spas and have done so everyday except for today. I have also had a couple of massages and am feeling far more relaxed. I just hope that in retirement I will be able to afford to do these things.

Tomorrow I am going to go to the Rudas as it is the last men's day of the week. On Saturday morning my third massage and I have decided that I am going to try to have a massage regularly once home, they really do seem to make a difference although I am not sure that they will be as good as those given to me by Bela.

Signing off, or as Davey wavey says 'Peace out'.

Let's Fall In Love (gay short)

Edmund White on sex after 70 and new memoir

2014

A new year to make new mistakes?